Love Yourself || 2016

Hey my Rosette's, hope you're doing great!

Today's post is going to be about something really personal, hope you guys enjoy.

I debated editing these pictures because of how much weight I have gained. I don't know if you've noticed either but I don't post many photos of myself on here or my social media sites because of this. I feel like I've been hiding myself because I am ashamed of this weight, but at the same time I struggle so much with loosing it because I lack the motivation to do so. I have no one else to blame but myself for this.

At first, when I was willing to edit these pictures, I was all for it because I knew that people wouldn't be zooming into my double chin, or my belly, or my thighs. But then I instantly said no because this is who I am now. It is what it is. I put on 20kg when I started uni, I was always heavier and chubbier than I was 'supposed' to be since really young. Therefore the extra 20kg did not come unnoticed. 

I have noticed that I avoid taking pictures, avoid meeting up with old friends or even going out because I have to put on a pretty dress which won't do me any favours. I avoid wearing short sleeves in case people see the stretch marks on my arms. I avoid wearing skirts so people don't have to see the stretch marks on the back of my legs. If I wear a dress or jumpsuit I make sure I've got some sort of spanx on to make sure everything stays where its supposed to be. I'm tired of hiding what I look like. The double chin, stretch marks or tummy doesn't change who I am, because despite being scared of what other people think about this weight gain, I know I haven't changed. I'm still me. I am happy with my life and with all the successful things happening at the moment, I have amazing friends and a wonderful boyfriend, a family who sticks by side no matter what. I am grateful for everyone that I have. But I'm tired of people always commenting. I know many would say 'do something about it, people won't have anything to comment about then'. But I can't melt over night. I struggle so much with loosing weight. I definitely eat the wrong things at the wrong times, I have those days, but I also have those days where I eat clean and exercise, even if its just a walk around the block with my dog. Its something. I'm tired of thinking and feeling that people can't see me without mentioning it, or turning to my mum behind my back and saying 'why have you let her put on so much weight' because its not my mums fault. It's my fault, no one is to blame but me. I write this post with tears because I finally feel like I'm being honest about it. I'm still happy and still healthy when my weight isn't the subject. It's a part of life isn't it? 

I know if I push myself hard enough, I can go back to being at a healthy weight again, but I can't do that if I spend my days rejecting invites because of it and trying to hide it. I've accepted it now, I just hope everyone else can too instead of always staring and questioning and criticising.

I'm not looking for your pity or your reassurance on how I look because I'm happy. I just want those people that feel the same way to know that they're not alone and there are people on the same boat as you, always.

Lots of Love, A .x

6 comments Tagged: Lifestyle

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